I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
