and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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