saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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