I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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