You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
