I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
