Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
