This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
