I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
