I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
