I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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