swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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