mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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