Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
