I think I died a long time ago.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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