Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
