If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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