I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
