I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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