She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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