there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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