I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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