Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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