I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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