I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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