nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
