I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
