If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
