remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
