My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
