believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
