can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
