No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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