My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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