Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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