there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.