My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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