If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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