I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
