The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
thus making me awesome and them whores
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
