I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
