Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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