you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
