Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
