I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
