Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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