Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
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just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear