He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
