I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
