I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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