u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
