does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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