Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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