my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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