Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize