i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
