maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
