You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
