The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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