I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
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How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry about my life...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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