I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
