I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
