Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
